I adopted Edison when he was 8 weeks old in September of 2010. He was the first cat I had on my own. I remember how rambunctious he was. He’d never let me sleep. He always wanted to play. Edison gave me a run for my money, and I’d do anything to have him back. Edison ran away almost three years ago and I’m still not over it. I still cry. I’m still grieving. I pray everyday that God will bring him home to me.
Edison ran away on July 22, 2013. Why do I remember the exact date? It was my birthday. He was about three years old at the time. Edison was neutered and by that time, he had given me plenty of scares. He broke his leg in November 2012. After about two months and $1400 later, Edison was back to normal.
When Eddy was approaching a year old, I adopted Sadie in May 2011. Sadie and Edison had an immediate bond. They completed each other. Sadie was six months old, so she wasn’t much younger than Edison. They played together, slept together, laid on the floor together. Edison would literally hug Sadie. I cry thinking about it.
I will never forgive myself for Edison running away. Matt keeps trying to tell me it’s not my fault, but it is. Edison LOVED being outside. I really think he just wanted to be an outdoor cat. When I lived in my studio apartment by myself, Edison would always bring stray cats in. It’s almost like he was saying to them “Oh hey, come on over. My mom will give you food.” And I did. There were always random cats in my apartment. I called Edison the “social worker cat.” He was something special.
Edison was a Turkish Van. He loved water. He liked going in the bathtub. Edison was such a weirdo. The most special weirdo cat I’ve ever known.
The night Edison ran away, he was sitting out on the back patio of our fenced backyard. Matt and I had moved into our house just three days prior. I was laying in bed that night and Matt came to me and said “Edison is on the patio. Should I bring him in or let him stay outside?” I replied with “Just leave the door cracked open and he can stay outside for now.” Biggest mistake of my life.
I never saw Edison again.
I’m not the only one who has suffered from his loss. Sadie was depressed for a looooong time. She sat at the bottom of the stairs for two years and howled every. single. night. So not only do I feel guilty for Edison leaving but I also feel guilty about ruining everything for Sadie.
I had a bond with Edison that I never thought was possible with a cat. Sadie and Edison had an incredible bond as well. I ruined it.
It’s been almost three years. I’ve never gotten over it. There’s no closure. Is he dead or alive? Is he nearby? Did someone take him in? Did he end up in a shelter? I searched for him for months and I STILL search for him. I check shelters everyday, I scour euthanasia lists, I check Facebook lost and found pet groups. I’ve never given up hope and I will probably live the rest of my life wondering what happened.
We do know that there are a lot of feral cats in our neighborhood. Since Eddy loved other cats, I wouldn’t be surprised if he saw another cat, followed it, and got lost. The thing is, all of the cats in our neighborhood are regulars. I see them almost everyday when we take the dogs out. So where did my Edison go? There was a litter of kittens born in a storm drain at the green belt down the street the day after we moved into our home. Did he go to be a daddy cat? I wouldn’t be surprised. He wanted to be outside with other cats. That’s a fact.
I pray to God everyday to bring my Edison home. I’m constantly apologizing to Sadie for losing her brother. I’ve literally done everything I can to find him and I will continue to do so. When he first ran away I’d always go back to my old neighborhood to see if maybe he made his way back there. I put up signs and everything. No luck.
Please don’t tell me I should have kept Edison inside. It would have lessened his quality of life at the time. He always tried to run out the door. Edison wanted to be an outdoor cat. Please don’t tell me I’m a bad pet parent. I’m not. I’ve done everything I can. I continue to exhaust my resources. Edison was so incredibly gorgeous and I wonder if someone took him in for that reason. But then all these fears go through my head. Is he taken care of? Has he been trying to come home? Is he nearby but someone is keeping him from me despite pleas to bring him home? I will never know.
I cry over Edison. I cry all the time. I will never forgive myself. Ever. I would give a limb to have my boy back.
I’ve been crying while writing this whole post. I’m sorry Edison. I love you.
Lauren Miller says
I am so sorry about Edison! ๐ I think it really sucks when there is no closure, it makes things so much harder because if you never find out what happened you will always wonder. Everyone, absolutely everyone makes mistakes and I know first hand how hard it is to forgive yourself. I totally understand. ((Hugs))
Amanda says
Thanks for understanding Lauren. I would really give anything to have closure. Even if I knew he passed away, at least I’d know. I hope he’s alive and thriving but not having closure is painful.
Sabina says
I lost my Norman the same way well over 20 years ago and I am still sad about it. He was my heart cat and I grieve his loss. It is the not knowing which is the hardest.
Amanda says
You’re exactly right. The unknowns are what kills me inside. I’m sure I will still be sad about it in 20 years ๐ He was my heart cat without a doubt.
Cathy says
I had a similar experience with my Himalayan Nikki. She was a beautiful kitty who preferred to hang out up in my bedroom. She tolerated my dogs and they pretty much ignored her. We have a doggy door but I never worried about Nikki using it because she never showed any interest in going outside.
One day she just disappeared so we think she went out the doggy door. We never saw her again and I have worried about her ever since. Since this was 10 years ago and she was an old cat then so she is probably dead but I worry about what she went through.
You are a great pet mom and you had no idea Edison would not be coming back.
Amanda says
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through the same thing, Cathy. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. My mom’s cat ran away 30 years ago and she still wonders what happened. It’s terrible.
NIchole says
It’s never easy….. hopefully he simply moved on to give the same love he gave to you to someone else who needed it.
Amanda says
That makes me so sad ๐
Rick says
Just found your blog today. So sorry to hear about Edison! Perhaps you will see him again. ๐
Amanda says
Thanks for reading, Rick! And thank you for the condolences.
Kathy k. says
Did you try going back to your previous address? Sometimes, and I don’t know how, they do go back to a place where they lived before. I’m sorry for your loss. I know the aches it causes in your heart. Time makes it bearable, but it never goes away.
Amanda says
As I wrote in the post, I went back to my old neighborhood a lot, especially when he first ran away.
Kathy k. says
Sorry Amanda, I see now that you went back to your former house. I pray that you will find peace andalways remember the love you gave to your cat. I hope someday you see him again. You will be in my prayers.
Kathy
Amanda says
Thank you Kathy! I really appreciate the prayers ๐